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How to communicate when things have gone wrong

Relationships are not always easy. They are your ultimate non-refundable ticket to self-development and enlightenment. When relationships have been under stress for some time, communication will inevitably suffer. Just as we can use the way we communicate to get depressed, we can also consciously use it to get the relationship back on track.

The secret is NOT in the words

Remember that communication is not just what you say with your words. In fact, only a minority of what we are conveying is in words. Research has found that more than half of what we communicate comes from our body language, more than a third through the tonality we use, and only 7% is in words. Even if you don’t say a word, your stern gaze, your arms crossed in front of your chest, and your pursed lips speak with conviction. Remember the general message you are sending.

Communication is a tool, not a weapon

Therefore, communication can be used as a weapon to humiliate, criticize, judge, ridicule or manipulate people. Once you have received such treatment, you will know the effect it can have on your state, emotionally, mentally and physically.

However, there is the option of using your communication as a tool. It is normal to feel emotions that are unpleasant and negative thoughts are fueled by these emotions. Your responsibility is to be aware of these and not just allow them to spill over into your relationship without being used carefully. There is nothing wrong with feeling what you are feeling, for example anger and frustration, but it is not acceptable to act in an aggressive way that hurts other people’s feelings or physically hurts them.

Assume the responsibility

In taking responsibility, you may need to get help from someone, talk to a counselor, therapist, coach, friend, or coworker, and see what options or advice they might offer you. In relationship conflicts, it should be made clear that it is not helpful to expect to necessarily have all the answers within your partner. In heated situations, it is recommended that you ask an independent mediator to step in and help you review your story.

Relationship expert John Gottman says there is a dramatic difference between happy and unhappy couples in the way they raise a sensitive topic. Here are some suggestions on how to communicate when things have gone wrong:

1. Don’t put things away, bring them up when they happen

2. Complain but not blame

3. Make statements that start with ‘I’ instead of ‘you’

4. Describe what is happening instead of evaluating and judging.

5. Be clear, courteous, and appreciative

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