I want advice to save my marriage with my husband

In the past, I have told my story of how I saved my own marriage and I often write articles offering advice on how to do this in your own marriage. A couple of days ago, I received an email from a wife who had been married for over a decade. She shared with me that, in the last two years, she has felt that her husband was slipping away from her. She told me that her husband “spends less time at home, doesn’t show me as much affection, makes excuses not to spend time with me, and generally just brushes me off or ignores me.”

She said that when she has tried to bring this up to him, he gets defensive and this results in a big fight that drives him even further apart. Of course, she is very frustrated and scared. She is afraid that at best she is headed for a loveless marriage and at worst he is headed for divorce. He asked me for my “best advice to save this broken marriage” and that’s what I offered. But I also know that many women feel exactly the same and are in very similar situations. So, this is my answer in a nutshell.

Don’t make drastic changes that don’t seem genuine: Many wives in this situation feel that they have to do something drastic to get their husband’s attention. So they make a big, unusual display of love, affection, and attention, or they give ultimatums, become very aggressive, or act in a way that is unusual and unsuitable for them.

There are two problems with this. The first is that the husband knows that this is your last ditch effort and he usually doesn’t believe you because he knows that you are trying to manipulate him. Or his pursuit, pleading, arguing, or overly aggressive heavy-handedness only makes her seem more unstable and undesirable and pushes her husband further away from you.

There are a few ways to avoid this in the future. The first is to always be very aware of the message that your actions are sending to your husband. The aggressive, angry, strong-armed tactic is actually saying, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you doing this to me? Who do you think you are to want to change things or be happy?” Nobody wants to hear this message. I’m sure you don’t realize that this is what your actions are saying, but this is what he is hearing. Then, in response, her husband will block his efforts.

Similarly, actions of desperation, pleading, or overcompensation are really saying, “I can’t live without you. I’m not strong or self-sufficient.” And, these things are very unattractive to men. So if you’ve taken one or these tactics, think about abandoning them, because in my experience and research, they rarely work in the long run.

The best approach to save your marriage:So now that I’ve shown you what doesn’t work, I want to share with you what does. The message you want to send to your husband, both through your actions and your words, is to ease the tension, get you on the same side, and reassure your husband that he and your marriage are your top priority (although you fully intend to). to leave their dignity and respect intact.)

So however you say it, whether it’s with words or actions, the message you want to send is “I’ve noticed a distance and I too have been disappointed with the course of our marriage. I too see that we are no longer so For very close we were and I want to change that. We both deserve to be happy and I know from our past that we can be very happy together. However, we don’t know what the future holds. So, no matter where our relationship goes, I want to focus on improving it, even if I don’t get the result I want. I know this will take more effort, more time, and more attention than we’ve both been giving. For my part, “I intend to change that. I know you may not believe this right now, but I think in time you’ll see by my actions that I mean it. You are too important to me to continue on this path. I know I can. I don’t control your thoughts or feelings, but I can control my own actions and I intend to.”

Fulfilling your promises:This may sound harsh, but I think it’s better to know the truth. I interview many husbands for my articles and basically they all tell me the same thing. They drop out of their marriages because they feel their needs haven’t been met (or even noticed) for a long time. They may have tried to ask for more time or attention, but for whatever reason they feel like they haven’t been heard, so they stop communicating and shut down. This unfortunate process contributes to their disconnecting from you because in their mind nothing changes or improves. Until you show them otherwise, hope they don’t believe you and that things don’t change overnight at first.

But as you begin to follow through on your promise that your actions will help rather than hurt your interactions with others, you’ll probably notice a change. Once you start to respect yourself enough to do the things that make you happy and fulfilling so that you have something to give back, and once you start to stop clinging so tightly to the future and start focusing only on today, you will notice a perceptible difference.

Your husband will start to suspect that maybe things can change after all. Maybe you’re serious. You are no longer participating and arguing. She’s not trying to get a commitment or have deep discussions. You are only focusing on having positive experiences and interactions. You are taking it one day at a time. It’s so much nicer to be around and you’re not trying to manipulate him.

Little by little, you will begin to see glimpses of the two people who once loved each other very much. The shadow of the woman he first fell in love with will begin to become something he can touch and see. Negative expectations and experiences will begin to give way to positive ones. He will eventually stop blocking you and start to be receptive again.

These things will not happen overnight. It will take time to rebuild trust, but the first step is to change course and let go of what doesn’t work. This may seem risky at first, but it really isn’t. Sometimes you have to shake things up to get a different result. Same old thing hasn’t worked. It’s time to try something new.