Marines Don’t Take Trash

We live in a world of widgets. People make, distribute and sell them. Whatever, they’re doing it. I have a friend who is a toilet paper seller. God bless you. It’s an honorable job and my ass and I give it a thumbs up from two layers, thank you, but it’s not something I personally can do.

 

I have a friend who once told me that the litmus test for taking a job is if you meet a girl and you’re embarrassed to tell her what you do, then you probably shouldn’t.

 

Let me tell you about a career choice I was never ashamed to tell girls about, the Marines. Not make mistakes. Marines are a business. We make the best fighting force in the world and distribute it around the world to sell Democracy. If we have to, we’ll kick them, you know what, give them toilet paper to wipe their butts off, and we won’t even take their names because we couldn’t even pronounce them.

 

The enemy usually needs toilet paper when we’re done with them because when they see the marines land, we usually scare them off. What can I say? War sucks!

 

There are a lot of things Marines do that suck. We don’t like it and complain that it’s not what we signed up for.

 

We join the military to see the world, but all we end up seeing is bad weather and bad attitudes. So we say, “If I wanted to deal with this shit, I would have taken a summer vacation in hell or a winter vacation in France.” .

 

I would love to see a recruiter now. “You will be able to travel the world.” Let’s see, where it could have gone in the last ten years, Somalia, Afghanistan, Bosnia and Baghdad. Wow, can you include a free trip to Liberia?

 

It’s hard to tell a service member that the grass is never greener on the other side because the places young men and women go usually don’t have grass, but there are some positive aspects to war. For example, educate the American people. If you were to ask most Americans what the capital of South Dakota is, they would say, “I don’t know.” If you asked them what the capital of Afghanistan is, they would say, “That’s easy, Kabul.”

 

They also learn geometry, hi Sunni Triangle. The only problem is that years from now they might make the mistake of trying to book a vacation to the Sunny Triangle because they heard it was, to use the language of our times, “The Bomb.”

 

Marines actually have to go to these sewer holes. They have to live there and survive and it’s not a joke to them or their families, but they love it. I liked Marines who said, “This is the hardest job in the world. You never sleep and when you do it’s on land; you can go hiking, with a 100-pound backpack on your back, and you get paid to visit areas of the A world you’d never pay to go on vacation to see, but it’s the best job in the world.

 

Make no mistake, Marines love their job, and as you probably know, they are “the proud few.” Marines are prouder than hunting roosters and meaner than roosters. If Marines made toilet paper, it would be double-layered steel plates to cover their butts when they use their heads.

 

Being a Marine is a dirty job, but the best part is we don’t take shit from anyone. All young men and women should do a season. If you’re interested, go to your local recruiter and put your signature on a piece of paper, preferably single ply.