Why does my spouse seem to want to brag about his affair?

There is often the perception that a man having an affair will go to any lengths to keep his wife from finding out. People assume he’ll cover his tracks, delete his text messages, and maybe even have a separate phone for his wife and the other woman.

Some men are exactly that cunning. But not all men. There is a small subset of men who don’t seem to care if his wife finds out about the affair. In fact, some of them almost leave clues for her to follow. And some wives will tell you that she not only didn’t hide the affair, but actually flaunted it. Someone might say, “My husband never really tried to disguise the affair from him. He kept his phone right on the counter when she texted him. He didn’t announce that he was seeing someone else when he went out, but he didn’t.” “He doesn’t make excuses either. He just hadn’t come home or had come when he knew I was asleep. When I finally asked him if he was having an affair, his response was, ‘well, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? He never apologized. He never offered to break up. Now that I’ve heard from her, he’s completely honest when he lets me know who he’s with. He doesn’t talk about her willingly, but he doesn’t change the subject either. He’ll leave gifts for her on the counter. He’ll get dressed and hum to himself “I’m sorry. I’m going to see her myself when I’m on my way to see her. I find this incredibly insensitive and I don’t understand why she’s doing it. Why? Would a man brag about his affair?”

Admittedly, I don’t know your husband, but I have a few theories as to why some men feel the need to flaunt their extracurricular activities. I will discuss them below.

how to pay for something: Many husbands go to great lengths to justify an affair. The most common reason I find a man flaunts his infidelity is when his wife has cheated on him before. In this case, he WANTS her to know. He hopes that she finds out. He can’t wait until the day she realizes that she has paid him back. This is his way of saying “two can play that game”. Or “look, there are other women out there who will want me if you don’t.”

And even if the wife hasn’t previously cheated on you, you may still be trying to get back at her for some perceived slight. He may still be trying to show you that he is still attractive and desirable. He may want her to regret something he has done.

He is deeply involved with the other relationship and doesn’t care who knows.: Sometimes, especially in the early days of an adventure, people can get caught up in it. At first, they don’t really wonder where the relationship is going to go or who it’s going to hurt. So it’s easy to get caught up in the moment without moderating your actions. Your “bragging” can be an extension of this. And your enthusiasm may mean you’re not wasting energy or time trying to cover your tracks.

He just wants to feel good about himself.: Honestly, I think the main reason guys have affairs is to feel positive about themselves. As they get older, slow down, or doubt themselves, they become much more vulnerable to an affair. Starting a new relationship shows them that they are still in the game. In a way, flaunting the relationship is trying to show YOU that you’re still in the game.

It’s almost a way of seeking your approval. They hope that when you see how they can be desired by someone else, they will also be desirable to you and to themselves. I know this need seems very silly and needy. But it’s real.

It’s not that different from people who are constantly posting selfies on Facebook and are so desperate for attention and validation. This “bragging” behavior is in the same vein. They flaunt because they desperately seek approval, validation, and self-esteem.

Yes, they’re looking for these things in a way that makes them look foolish and misguided, but the underlying theme is that they’re motivated to take action because they just don’t feel very good about themselves. And when they start to feel better, they want everyone to know it.

If someone had an affair, but no one knew about it, then the validation and self-esteem boost wouldn’t be so great. It’s the reason people post selfies instead of keeping them private. If you took your own photo, but no one else saw it, the impact would not be the same, or so it is thought.

None of the above validates or excuses the matter. Not even remotely. We all have our struggles, but not all of us cheat. I am in no way advocating for cheating husbands who have the nerve to flaunt the affair. I’m just trying to give you some insight into your faulty psychology.