5 Reasons People Have Affairs: Did I deserve to be cheated on?
Why do people have affairs?
You may not have been perfect, but you don’t think you deserve to be cheated on. There were times in the marriage when you also wanted to give up. Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses and it certainly isn’t anything like the movies after the first few years. So naturally you ask yourself.
Why did my partner cheat on me? I deserved it?
This is complicated. Personally, I don’t think anyone cheats for just one reason, but generally speaking, there seems to be some rationale for why a wayward spouse chooses to walk away from his or her husband or wife—fundamental reasons for cheating, if you will.
I also believe that most spouses never intend to hurt their spouse, even when things rot in the relationship. In reality, not many plan to have affairs and everyone goes through difficult times during marriage, but cheating is a choice and is the result of mismanaging your emotions.
Keep in mind that these are my personal observations of why people have affairs, many professional marriage counselors or psychologists have created their own lists from hundreds or even thousands of counseling sessions. Also, these reasons are for reasonable people, not sociopaths who marry with bad intentions from the start.
5 reasons why people cheat on their spouses
1. “I can’t handle marriage.”
In essence, what they are saying here is that I want my freedom. I don’t like dealing with your spouse holding me responsible for doing things I don’t want to do, like cleaning, saving money, paying the bills, going to church, etc. The bottom line is that they have difficulty sharing. A new person comes along and gives them that escape from reality where the focus is on fun and romance that doesn’t survive or coexist.
2. “I’m tired of fighting.”
This one comes home to me personally. He tries to be loyal, but after a while he can’t handle the constant bickering and complaining of his spouse. You start to wonder what he would be like with someone who just accepts you for who you are.
ATTENTION: this is still an excuse for cheating, the complaint occurred for a reason, and the cheating spouse did not develop any coping strategies to deal with the more open spouse.
3. “I haven’t had enough relationships.”
Or as I like to think of it, “I haven’t gotten it all out of my system.” The “it” is experienced by many different people. Some experts say that the feeling of needing to experience more relationships begins during adolescence. They needed more attention or love, affirmation that they were attractive and desired. ATTENTION: I think almost all cheaters suffer from this reasoning. Many people, both men and women, are looking for attention and sex.
4. “I’m tired of being a victim.”
Perhaps they caught their spouse cheating on them or suspected infidelity, either way they got tired of the inappropriate behavior. Deep down, they just want to have a normal marriage and be treated fairly, but their inability to stop the inappropriate behavior has brought them to the boiling point of no return and they don’t know what else to do. In their minds, deception will get their attention. ATTENTION: I have some difficulty believing this, everyone who falls victim to this reason is doing so solely to get revenge or get their spouse’s attention. They may lack love and attention.
5. “I want to feel like I still have it.”
Most people want to feel sexy, attractive, and expect others to chase them. Perhaps this is also a sense of security that they will never be alone, as they will always have a potential suitor looking for them. This stems from a personal need that if not managed and dealt with early on, the marriage could spiral out of control later on. ATTENTION: My belief is that someone who is so craving attention from the opposite sex probably genuinely cares about their spouse, but is susceptible to regular cheating. It’s hot and invigorating to meet someone new over and over again. Marriage is a safe haven for them. They enjoy living two lives.
Again, there are many reasons why people have affairs, and I personally believe that most cheaters experience a combination of the list above. Each person who walks away from her marriage makes a choice. I did. They decide to have adventures. I never meant to hurt my first wife, I kept to it for a long time, but I wish I had sought professional advice on how to deal with my open wife and how to best deal with the challenges of marriage. Despite looking back and realizing that I wasn’t ready for such a commitment at that age, I could have done better.
It is NOT your fault that your spouse cheated on you, but once you find out that you have been cheated on, it can be very scary. You don’t know who to talk to or where to start looking for help. You never thought that you would have to learn how to deal with infidelity in your marriage. You never thought you would have to read an article about why people have affairs.