5 steps to reconcile the separation of marriage

When a married couple goes through a difficult time in their relationship, many just choose to smile and bear it. However, when that rocky patch stretches out for weeks and months, it can sometimes seem like there’s no end in sight. At this point, many couples opt for divorce or marital separation.

For many couples, marital separation is a viable alternative to divorce. For one, it allows them to keep intact the legal, financial, and insurance-related instruments that belong to them as a couple. And on the relationship level, a separation gives couples the opportunity to live apart while they try to work out their problems while staying married.

In many cases, after a period of separation, the couple will decide to make another try at the relationship. Understandably, this is a decision filled with feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. But it can also mean the path of reconciliation.

If you were at that point where you were thinking about ending your separation, here are 5 steps to reconcile a separation of marriage:

1. Before you make a move, do a reality check with a trusted friend or family member:

The circumstances that lead to the separation of marriage differ greatly from one couple to another. Sometimes, at the height of our marital problems, the truth about what is what can become a bit murky for most of us. Looking back on your time together, it can be hard to be objective about what really happened, who was at fault, etc. So, before you take a step toward reconciliation, meet with a trusted friend or family member and ask their opinion about the chances your marriage will succeed if you try again.

2. Write a list of things you would need to have changed in your spouse before you could reconcile your marriage:

Next, it’s important to be honest with yourself about what you would need to have changed in your spouse in order to get back together. This is often necessary, particularly if there was something like extensive cheating or physical abuse in the relationship.

3. Now, write what you are willing to work within yourself:

Similarly, write down those things that you are willing to work on within yourself. No one is perfect, and your only chance for success is if you both admit your flaws.

4. Ask your spouse for a meeting:

When you feel ready to move on, ask your spouse for a meeting. Choose a location that does not have any historical significance to you as a couple. In other words, find a neutral meeting space. Let him know that you will want to talk about the relationship; our surprises.

5. Speak using “I feel like” statements and avoid blame statements:

As you explore your marriage in conversation with your spouse, be sure to always speak from the position of “I feel” statements. At the same time, avoid statements that place blame on the other person. Blaming-type statements will only evoke a defensive attitude in him or her.

Once the dialogue begins, take the time to learn the skills that any relationship requires to be successful. Any money you spend on education and therapy will probably be the best money you’ve ever spent.