Difficult Bosses: Tame the Dragon Lady with Courage and Compassion

With conflict comes a feeling of being disrespected, attacked, or threatened in some way. We feel like the innocent victim (or perhaps the righteous hero, defending ourselves or others) and we see our adversary as the villain of our story. I call this the “Dramatic Conflict Triangle,” a concept that helps us understand ourselves and our role in perpetuating disputes. It also reminds us that there is always another side to the story and that our nemesis is caught up in a similar experience. Except in his history, they feeling victimized or threatened and seeing ourselves as the villain. Each one is the hero of his own story.

Most of the people I teach accept this in theory, but balk when asked to apply the concept to their own situation. They inevitably ask “But what if are a villain?”, and offers the supporting argument that “Everyone in the department thinks they’re idiots.” This perspective usually strikes a chord with others in the class, who can’t wait to share their own “head of the hell.” The subsequent venting offers temporary comfort, which soon gives way to a pall of hopelessness. Because their nemesis is in a position of power, people fear being punished if they speak out, either immediately with a sharp retort or more. subtly with receiving less desirable work assignments or poor performance evaluations.

This is the story of a woman who found herself trapped in such a situation and did something about it. Laura (we’ll call her) worked in healthcare under the close supervision of Rita (she’s not her real name either). Her staff referred to Rita as “the dragon lady” (but only in her absence, of course). Like most areas in health care, “The Unit” had been subject to more than its fair share of change: technology, downsizing, and a variety of dreaded “corporate initiatives.” With each change, the stress increased and Rita became more distant and caustic. She rarely visited “The Unit” and only communicated, it seems, to deliver bad news or criticism. Despite signs and “values ​​statements” to the contrary, the actual organizational culture discouraged direct communication and staff talked more about “the lady of the dragon” that to his. Mounted in tension.

Laura was no different than her coworkers in that she recoiled from Rita’s abrasive manner. She often brought her frustrations home and took them out on her husband. He listened obediently as Laura recounted the injustices of the day and nodded in sympathy at her plight. One night, however, he made a comment that would change Laura’s mind and her world. “Your dragon lady sounds like someone who really needs a friend,” she mused. Laura immediately scoffed at such an absurd idea, accusing him of “siding with that woman.” But as the initial surge of defensiveness from her subsided, Laura was left with a nagging thought: What must it be like for Rita to work in a thankless pressure cooker with a team that despises her? She decided to find out.

The next day, despite her fear, Laura approached Rita. The conversation started awkwardly. “What do you want?” Rita snapped. Laura took a deep breath and remained determined. “I was just wondering how things are going for you. You have a lot on your plate these days.” Rita looked at Laura with a mixture of suspicion and surprise, then relaxed a bit. “It’s a struggle. Someone always has a problem with something. That’s the only time I hear from people.” Laura nodded with an understanding smile. “Hold on. We’ll make it somehow.”

This modest conversation evolved over the next several months into weekly coffee breaks and even the occasional lunch. Laura discovered that she didn’t talk much during the time she was with Rita. Usually, she simply listened as Rita talked about the pressures of her position and the frustration of having to do so much with dwindling resources. From time to time, Laura would offer her perspective, or even recommend that Rita solicit staff members’ input on difficult issues.

Laura’s new friendship with Rita did not go down well with some of Laura’s co-workers, some of whom even accused her of “associating with the enemy”. Laura would simply smile and gently remind them that there was always more to a situation than meets the eye. She continued to chat with her coworkers, but she refused to get caught up in the venting sessions directed at Rita.

As Christmas approached, Laura was surprised when Rita gave her a present. Inside it was a leather-bound edition of one of her favorite books. When Laura protested that the gift was unnecessary and too expensive, Rita looked at her with a rare smile and said. “If you knew how much your friendship has meant to me these past few months, you wouldn’t say that. Thank you.” A tear rolled down the ‘dragon lady’s’ cheek.

The impact of Laura’s kindness extended far beyond Rita. Once her coworkers got over their initial judgments about Laura’s “fraternizing,” they began to notice a change in Rita. Rita began asking for her opinion, offering occasional compliments, and to her surprise, she smiled. For the first time in years, “The Unit” felt like a team, supporting each other to manage the necessary changes and cope with stress.

What did Laura do to have such a powerful and positive impact in such a toxic work environment?

First of all, he exhibited the courage of a hero. Not the courage we normally associate with confronting and defeating an adversary, but the courage to examine his judgments and change his perspective. She also displayed the courage to stay true to her beliefs when her coworkers put her down for showing kindness to a person they considered the enemy.

Second, he saw that underneath Rita’s exterior was someone in pain, someone who really “needed a friend.” She replaced her judgment with curiosity and showed her compassion by listening. And without having to cast Rita as the villain in this workplace drama, Laura freed herself from the role of victim. A new story was born, one without victims or villains.

Laura’s kindness set off a chain of events that improved the atmosphere of the entire department. Laura was “being the change she would see in the world.”

For those of you who feel trapped by your own workplace drama and frustrated with your own “dragon lady,” Laura’s story provides both hope and challenge. Hope arises from the power of compassion to dramatically improve relationships. The challenge lies in letting go of the need to be right and seeing the humanity in those you would see as your enemy. By meeting that challenge of compassionate listening, Laura demonstrated that “the best way to defeat an enemy is to make him a friend.”