Does your son have your goat? Maintaining Objectivity When Your Child Misbehaves

Your child is unique and wonderful in every way. Really. It is a warm feeling to see you in your child. It can also be humiliating, even surprising, when your child shows aspects of his personality that he would rather forget. Worse still, if your child shares some of your saltier manners, you may be tempted to punish him for who he is. But when you monitor your response to your child’s behavior, your objectivity will help you enjoy all of his wonderful quirks.

Let’s meet Libby.

Libby is a boring nine year old girl. Her family is on a long car trip and Libby is stuck in the back seat with her older brother Eric. All you want to do is read your book.

After what seems like hours of being good, Libby playfully taps into Eric’s book, but he just delves into its chapter. She keeps hitting and he keeps reading.

Mom is sitting in the front passenger seat next to Dad. He turns his head and shoots Libby a warning look.

Libby tries to sit quietly, but it is useless. She begins to rap, swinging her arms back and forth in time with her beat. The lyrics are offensive and Mom turns around again, half smiling, half scolding. “It’s okay, Missy Elliott,” says Mom. “The show is over.”

Libby’s entire body goes limp. “Ugh,” she says. “I am so bored.”

“Travel game?” Mama says. Libby rolls her eyes. “Game Boy?”

“Dead batteries”.

“Book?” Be quiet. “Well then.” Mom shrugs and turns forward.

Through the window, Libby sees a collie chasing a ball at a rest stop. Libby turns and pats Eric’s head. “Good boy,” he says, smacking him on the head. “Good boy, Eric.”

Eric squirms, but is stuck against the car door. There is no escape. He places his book on his lap and looks at her. Finally, Libby thinks. I thought you would never listen to me. She caresses her brother’s hair and he looks at her. “Good boy, Eric.”

Suddenly Mom yells at Libby. “Leave your brother alone and give your father some peace and quiet!” The whole car goes silent. For a full 15 seconds, no one makes a sound. “Finally,” says Mom. Eric hides his head in his book. Libby is smiling calmly.

That night, Dad is in bed trying to read, but Mom keeps talking about Libby’s antics. Finally he turns to Dad and says, “Don’t you have an opinion on this?”

Dad looks up from his book and starts laughing. “Libby looks like you, not me. I love her just the way she is.” Mom stares at him and then joins in his laughter. She struggles with her book and throws it on the ground.

Why is Mom mad at Libby for teasing Eric? Why not Eric for being unsociable? Mom’s anger reveals what she doesn’t like about herself. Seeing the humor in this situation makes it easier for mom to accept her mistake and be more objective in the future.

Conscience: Monitor your child’s behavior. Children behave in certain ways depending on their age. They also have quirks. Know these qualities in your child’s behavior and be objective in your response to them.

Communication: Set clear rules. Children follow warnings and transition times when they know what to expect. And communication is further strengthened when you create rules with your input.

Unhook, take a look, stand up, follow your plan: Disengage: Take a deep breath and count to ten. Focus on the numbers. Take some time to calm down. Have a look: Is your child misbehaving for a good reason? Is your answer appropriate? Determine what is really happening. Make a stand: Decide what you want your child to learn and be clear when you teach. Walk your plan: Follow through with clear and consistent actions that support your position.