How to increase a man’s self esteem

Men’s sense of identity is often tied to skills, they are more interested in what they can do. While a woman may get a quick boost from a personal compliment, for a man, a compliment about a skill or talent is likely to get him that same boost faster. Please don’t confuse this to mean that men are out of tune with their inner selves, because many of them are. Many men have gone through the process of exploring the depths of their souls and come to appreciate who they are to a great extent. For such men, being able to see, appreciate and recognize inner peace and trust in him can be of great help. Of course, in most cases, that would require getting to know this person on a deeper level and taking the time to see those more intimate qualities.

There are some things on the surface that can help. Making a man feel needed is often a sure way to get there. Unfortunately, today’s independent women have been undermining this little tool. You pay your own bills, you can change your own tires or call Triple A, and they’ll hire someone to mow the lawn for the house you bought. Once in a while, though it wouldn’t be too bad to let him help out with some of the manly stuff, like the car or something around the house. You know you could take care of that, but it’s nice that he does it for you and frees you from the pressure or responsibility of having to handle it. One less thing to worry about.

This brings me to my next point. When a man does something for you, either because you couldn’t or because you allowed him to help you, be grateful. People want to help, but no one wants to feel unappreciated. No matter how small or large the action is, it is important that you know that your efforts are appreciated. Otherwise, you won’t have any incentive to want to help again, and both of you will deny you the chance to step up and do more of these things that should make you feel good.

Rewards are great at any age. The last thing I asked a man for was for him to come over and tighten the lug nuts after changing a tire. Do you think after he came to do this in the middle of his workday that I planned something special for him? You better believe it! He needs to know that he is appreciated. Telling him honestly is good, but it’s also good to do things for him. And this does not mean going all out. It could be as simple as a special dinner planned with his preferences in mind. This is simple enough that it can be done by a friend or his man.

Treating a man in a special way is something that is often overlooked, but it is a great tool. Many men will say that this is not their thing, but a spa day is a great gift. Massage, facial, mani/pedi can suit the manly man (in my immaturity, I still laugh at clear nail polish). In today’s toughest economic times, it may not be so easy to pay for the day at the spa, but providing all the services at home can work just as well.

Game day preparations are also a big hit for sports fans. Whether you get everything ready and leave after their kids come over, or it’s a party for two (if you’re LOOKING AT The game too); when you plan it with him in mind, he will feel it.

Wearing it to the game is something that can work with your man or any other man in your life. One day about it, where you get picked up (you drive no matter the distance) and takes care of everything until you drop it off at home. When you go out of your way to make a day about someone, it says “I think you’re important,” and validates this person’s place in your life. You will also think “I must be really important for someone to go to the trouble of planning a day for me”, and that will also have a positive impact on your view of yourself. Everyone wants to feel like they matter.

Appearance is also important. Just as a woman likes to hear that she is beautiful when she gets dressed up, the man will enjoy it too. Men also make an effort to smell good, so when you smell good that too should be commended. Smiles, teeth, eyes, and whatever else comes up are also good targets for compliments. The trick to making the most impact with a compliment is to start with it. When a person gives you a compliment first, there’s that rule of courtesy that you feel the need to return it. No matter how genuine the returned compliment is, sometimes it can come off as less than sincere or you run the risk of the person thinking you were just complimenting them back. When you start with a compliment, there’s not as much leeway in interpreting your intent: it’s a compliment.

During the toughest times, things get a little tricky. For example, in these economic times when there are many men who are unemployed. If yours is one of them, it will be difficult for both of them. To get started, you may need an affirmation book (I’m only partially kidding with this one). If your man is at that stage, he may need you now more than ever, because when he doubts, he needs you to believe in him. He needs to know that you are after him no matter what. These are the times for CALM sacrifice; when you have to convey something you want, and not complain about it. This is when you don’t go to the concert and plan a nice romantic evening at home. It will be hard to work overtime and then come home to review your new cover letter, but your devotion will motivate you to keep trying.

It is true that actions speak louder than words, but words can also be very powerful. As a therapist, when she worked with children who were aggressive and got into fights, I remember teaching them this statement: “Hands are for helping, not hurting.” They memorized it and eventually we got to where they said it out loud or just thought about it when they were angry and wanted to hit someone. This technique took time, but once mastered it had a good success rate. Adults get very involved in physical altercations, but can be hurtful with their words. Sometimes it’s due to anger or just an inadvertent slip, but once the words are out, they can’t be put back in. The best measure is to place a filter between thought and verbalization.

Try this exercise that can be used with anyone in your life. When you’re ready to say something, take a moment to assess the potential impact of the words you’re about to say. By doing this, you will remind yourself that “words are meant to help, not hurt.” If you find that the words you were ready to say aren’t going to help the person, take a second to come up with a more positive response before you speak. Use words to empower him. The intention should always be to rebuild it, not sink it further.

Five things you can do:

1. Tell him that you believe in him.
2. Show him and tell him that he is appreciated.
3. Acknowledge your successes.
4. Wish him the best when he is down, if you pray tell him you pray for him.
5. Remind her how cool she is.

© 2009 Judi Cinemas