Tips for the Manhattan snob in Brooklyn: CCTV security surveillance, anyone?

You have moved from Manhattan to Brooklyn. You are still recovering your earthly legs, having finally left the island, having crossed that river that you never thought you would cross. We know all about the adventures you have had, the strange sights you have seen. That wasn’t a sea monster, for example, that’s the Brooklyn Bridge. Don’t you recognize it from the photos?

We know what you’ve been through, not just because we’ve been there, ourselves, but because we watch your journey through the powerful lenses of our CCTV security surveillance systems.

Does fear stab your heart when you hear us talk about safety? Well, you’re a newbie, we get it. Don’t be mad if we laugh a little at you. Not only have we endured your Manhattan snobbery for years, we used to feel that way, ourselves.

But now we’re comfortable here at the BK, and since we’re so comfortable with our hood and ourselves, we’ll show you a couple of ropes. These aren’t apartment-hunting tips, you’re smart enough on that front. Think of them as little jars of jam in a welcome-home basket, set sweetly on your steps.

1. We are not joking about CCTV security surveillance. It might as well start with the tough stuff. We bought a brownstone on the east side of Prospect Park, Prospect Lefferts Gardens, or PLG, as the locals say. My wife (like I said, first I’m telling you the horror story, and then it’s all uphill from here) was unpacking groceries from the car in the middle of the afternoon one fine spring day, when someone came over and took it away. With half the purchase. She saw what happened, yelled at the guy, even hit the bumper of the car, but with our two-year-old daughter swinging a bag of gluten-free animal crackers on the steps, she quickly stepped back and released the car. Fortunately, our CCTV security surveillance caught everything. Not only do we give evidence to the police and the insurance company, we post it on Facebook. Face your fears. And film them.

2. Enjoy the strengths of your new hood. PLG is a neighborhood in much of the West Indies. Which means we get the best jerk chicken outside of Jamaica. The street atmosphere is pleasant, the fresh fruit stands are plentiful. Lots of ways to be naturally healthy (and Popeye for when you want to break the rules).

3. If Flatbush Ave is the main artery near your new digs, let me introduce you to the best public transportation in town: the Flatbush van. Modeled after the road trucks in Jamaica, these trucks go up and down Flatbush, honking their horns. If you wave, they’ll stop and pick you up. A ride from anywhere in Flatbush to anywhere else in Flatbush costs $ 2. That’s cheaper than the subway, folks. There is also no tips, but sometimes it can be crowded. That’s half the fun, in my opinion.

4. The parks. Prospect Park, Fort Greene Park. These are the good things here in the country.

5. Be friendly with your neighbors! It’s not like on the island where you don’t make eye contact. Say hello as you install your CCTV security surveillance system, so they know you’re not targeting them.

6. Stay and explore! Don’t rush back to Manhattan for all your outings. Bklyn has a lot to offer and less rubbish if you stay in the area. Now when our friends in Manhattan invite us, we make excuses.