Building a new identity after the death of a loved one

Most people grieving the death of a loved one are unaware that their difficult experience also includes a change of identity. They are no longer the same people they used to be, and identity change is an important part of the adjustment process.

Identity is “who I think I am”. Depending on his perceptions (the personal meaning he gives to the experience) and his belief system, much of which is formed early in life, he may view himself in various ways. You may think of yourself as a hard worker, important to the well-being of others, a mother or father, skilled in a variety of ways, somebody or nobody, to name a few.

After the death of a loved one, a mourner often has to deal with a series of changes. The part of the self that interacted with the loved one also dies and the bereaved can no longer interact with the physical presence of the deceased. Many mourners refuse to acknowledge that death dictates a change of identity and resist the transition. However, it is inevitable that the survivor will have to integrate the old and the new world.

Here’s what you need to know to ease the transition to a new life and accept the identity changes that death imposes.

1. Understand how we get a new identity. It is structured in abilities, relationships, roles and in all the new behaviors necessary for the loss of one. Relationships are especially important because of the meaning they carry in terms of attention, appreciation, love, and acceptance. Love and service are powerful identity builders.

2. It is important to recognize and strengthen the perception of your inner being. “I am good, I am capable, I am kind, I choose to be loving” are crucial parts of identity. And you can change behavior to strengthen these or other perceptions of yourself. The sooner you can make the necessary changes, incorporating them into your normal routines, the better for you.

3. Determine what you need to add to your life now that your loved one is no longer physically present. What will you have to learn? What new role(s) will you have to take on? What relationships will you have to replace? What modifications to the old behavior will you make as you add to your daily to-do list? If you were too dependent on the person who died, it will be especially important to have a friend or counselor help you through this ongoing transition.

4. Examine your perception of social isolation. Has your loss made you feel isolated? Have any of your friends distanced themselves from you? This may be obvious if you are now a widower and some of your friends are married. What will you do to increase your circle of friends? Your community of friends, especially new friends, will be part of your new identity and particularly helpful in adjusting to loss. So will be the new relationship you establish with the deceased loved one through memory and love in separation.

5. Examine how you will be of service to your community. The way in which you use your time in the service of others or to fulfill a purpose or commitment to a cause will determine the way you feel about yourself and how you adapt to the new conditions of life. Think about who you would like to help or what service you could provide, and make plans to incorporate those activities into your lifestyle.

6. Everything you now have to do that was not part of your normal routines at home when your loved one was alive will also be part of your new identity. It can range from having to pump your own gas or do a plumbing repair to do your taxes or cook for yourself. Will you view these new duties as challenges or demeaning tasks? Your attitude toward your transition is critical to success.

7. Many mourners also experience a change in values ​​and/or beliefs. They are motivated to resume a project started by the deceased or take on a particular value that was an important part of the deceased’s life. New beliefs can replace the old ones.

Many factors go into developing new identity beliefs after the death of a loved one. The job is demanding and can be very scary when trying to take on certain responsibilities for the first time. It’s okay to feel inadequate, even overwhelmed, and ask others for help in dealing with the unknown.

Turn to your spiritual beliefs and to people who have suffered similar losses. Work on one change at a time. Keep a journal to record your victories and struggles. Know that you are important, have the willpower to make this transition, and will survive the heartbreak associated with your great loss.