Is your role reversed in the marriage?

What do you get when an emotionally immature man marries an emotionally immature woman? Answer: role reversal. The phenomenon is widespread! Role reversal in marriage is so common that reality rings true in her own home, or very close to it! Almost everyone knows a family member or friend in an upside down marriage.

Typically, role reversal in marriage is analyzed from the point of view of inequalities in education, income, and household chores. Bruce’s story is a great example.

“Our marriage is topsy-turvy and upside down. I’m the stay-at-home dad. Between four kids, including Asher, our nine-year-old son, I’ve changed 14,000 diapers. I do laundry, cleaning, and most of the cooking. I worry about every cough and nosebleed.

Roni is a corporate attorney. He loves power tools, hardware stores, barbecues, and playing the stock market. She warns me not to jump every time someone hurts their knee so I don’t end up with a house full of whiners. She organizes, plans and strategizes. But even though she’s Generalissimo Momma, we fight over who’s in control.” (Ms. Magazine, June 2003)

According to Bruce, Roni was more educated, earning triple his income (and tripled his hours away from home), leaving him largely responsible for childcare and household chores.

Bruce’s story captures the easily observable things that often occur in role reversal marriages. Rampant emotional content in these types of relationships is rarely controlled. For many couples it is the emotional reality not addressed at work and its demise. Even though Bruce’s relationship seems to work for them, notice her last sentence: “But even though she’s the Generalissimo Mom, we fight to see who’s in control.” Perhaps Generalissimo Momma is a funny nickname, but endearing.I do not think so! The words that follow, “we fight over who’s in control,” are a clue to an emotionally charged relationship.

It’s not chores that attract couples. In many cases, an emotionally responsible and secure husband or wife can separate what she does from who she is. But for the emotionally immature it is not so. It’s how we feel about tasks. It is how we feel when performing the task. It is the tension between what God created us to be versus what we were raised and socialized to be. Over the past 20 years, as a counselor and pastor, I have spoken to hundreds of husbands and wives. Many experience role reversal. Husbands who experience a role reversal tend to be diplomatic, hospitable, and understanding. On the other hand, wives married to these husbands are commonly goal-oriented, focused, and dependent. All these features are positive and useful.

The irony is that Jesus was all of these things. Husbands and wives fight to keep their respective qualities when each can have them all. Think of these qualities as a right and left hand. Almost everyone has a dominant hand. It’s the one we use all the time. When threatened, the dominant hand defends almost without fail. The subordinate hand is the last resort. We have it. Works. we use it Sometimes, in low-stakes situations, the minion hand makes a cameo appearance. But above all, it is in use only when it is necessary. Immediate relief comes in a role-reversal marriage, when one of the spouses begins to compromise the subservient hand. But for most, this simple idea is laced with fear and is therefore avoided altogether. Unfortunately, this contributes to emotional toxicity.

Each of the above characteristics has a toxic side for which Jesus died on the cross. Toxicity occurs when the strength of the husband and wife builds up to the point that it dominates the interactions and the spouse is unable to process what is happening quickly or deeply enough to achieve emotional stability. The inability to adapt to pressure results in emotional injury. Repeated injuries erode both the relationship and, more importantly, the desire for a relationship. Husband toxicity appears non-confrontational, passive aggressive and evasive. To wives, toxicity shows up as aggressive, controlling, and inflexible behaviors.

The main cause of emotional toxicity is the overfeeding of strengths. We do this in a variety of ways. For most of us, our strengths are used at work and play. Constant use of our strengths strengthens them. Another way to gobble up our strengths is by associating exclusively with those who share them. In addition, our strengths are enhanced when we maintain unfavorable attitudes towards those who do not have them.

There is another discovery I made about husbands and wives in emotionally invested marriages. In fact, they have some underlying things in common. These shared characteristics are lynchpins of emotional immaturity. They prevent us from growing. They are especially evident in toxic relationships. Some things that reversed husbands and wives have in common are: fear, anger, and distrust. For example, a husband usually fears abandonment. A wife fears rejection. A husband is usually angry with himself for giving up his power to another. A wife is angry with others for abusing the power that has been assigned to them. Such husbands do not rust themselves, while their wives do not trust others.

Both husbands and wives in emotionally invested marriages are rebels against authority. Often, husbands refuse to take God-given authority and wives usurp God-given authority. Perhaps the best way to begin to reorder emotionally charged, role-reversed marriages is to explore the things that husbands and wives have in common. It would certainly contribute to a robust dialogue. And I don’t think either husband or wife would covet bragging rights in such a conversation!