The lesbian stepmother

There are some things that I fight with my partner about; in fact, we’re so alike that on the rare occasions we do fight it’s exhausting and confusing. The most popular topic of debate is our parenting differences.

I never want my love to feel incapable or incapable, but the conflict arises when I, too, struggle with my own insecurities as a parent-in-training. There are no manuals that come with children, all parents have to help them are the templates passed down to them by their own parents and caregivers. The blended family has even more challenges, whether as a straight or LGBT family, having a new member in the family is a difficult adjustment.

The lesbian stepmother, what does that mean? Sometimes women fall in love with women who already have children, either because they were conceived from a previous heterosexual relationship, or from a previous lesbian union, or by adoption. Regardless, when a woman falls in love and enters into a relationship with a mother, she is not only making a commitment to her but to her children.

Children often face the burden of their parents’ past; that is why it is difficult to accept a new member of the family. Children often deal with residual feelings of loss and abandonment. They are trying to understand situations outside of their

control but for which they feel directly responsible. The reason why children feel responsible is due to the developmental stages that humans go through; when we are young we are self-centered. This means that everything children feel is directly related to them, so they believe they have control and the power to change things.

According to some sources, stepfamilies take approximately two years to stabilize. The journey to a healthy family can be challenging and overwhelming, yet the rewards are wonderful and joyful.

If your children were conceived in a heterosexual relationship, you should make it clear to your children that it was not their fault and that they were not responsible for the relationship ending. Sometimes family therapy is needed to clearly communicate this message to children and allow negative emotions to come out in a safe environment.

Children often have the belief that their parents will get back together, even years later. This causes friction with a new partner and could lead to resentment in the child if left untreated. That’s why it’s important to practice patience, all the time! Nothing is more annoying to me than couples who force their children to adapt to their time, forgetting that it is the duty of parents to meet the needs of their children first.

There are a few important steps when it comes to a new stepparent in a lesbian relationship:

• Have your partner gently develop a relationship with your child or children, perhaps first as a friendship.
• Avoid having your partner take a disciplining role at first, as trust and attachment need to develop.
• Keep your partner out of the conflicts you have with your ex.
• Neither of you should talk negatively about your ex in front of your children; she is hurtful and extremely damaging. Regardless of what your ex does, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to act like them to prove something. Have your own standards when dealing with conflict, and that includes keeping your kids as far away from that kind of negative communication as possible.
• When enough time has passed, allow your partner to be the mother. That means letting go of some of her mothering duties. Let her take control to build a mothering role with her child. For example, in my house we alternate nights to tuck our son in bed. We have our own bed rituals and ways to calm her down so he falls asleep.
• As a stepparent, you must develop your own independent relationship with the child, perhaps even share a similar interest. My partner loves the outdoors, and when it comes to swimming, fishing, and gardening, they both have a blast (I’m the indoor mommy! who likes to read and draw).
• Don’t argue about parenting in front of your kids, it’s confusing and they’ll feel like they have to take sides.
• Do not force your child to call his partner “Mom” or any other maternal nickname.
• Allow your partner to have parental responsibilities, such as picking up the child from school or preparing lunches. At my house, my partner makes school lunches, because our baby says the best about her but I tell the best stories about her.
• The most important thing is to be patient with each other and remember to be consistent in what you say and do. Children are sensitive and if the pattern of daily life changes, anxiety increases.

Being a parent is hard, but I feel like being a step parent is even more challenging. It requires strength to often swallow your pride and change for a child or children with no guarantee that it will be positive or lasting. However, I ask you to stay focused on the present, keeping in mind the goal you want to achieve with your new family and being grateful for all the steps you take with them by your side.

Alex karydi – the lesbian guru

Dedicated to my beautiful partner and daughter, who never fails to make me smile. I love you.