How to deal with toxic people during grief

It’s not uncommon, when faced with heavy losses, for a well-meaning friend, acquaintance, or family member to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. They may tell him that he needs to take a specific action or that it’s time to make a particular change and start getting back to his old self. You know and I know that going back to the way we were before the loss happened is just not going to happen. Big losses change us.

Again, I stress that toxic people think they are doing the right thing and want to help you. However, we are all products of a culture that distorts the complaint process and continues to pass on myths learned at an early age. Sometimes toxic people have accurate information to pass on, but the timing is terribly wrong. Or as an actively grieving widow once said to me, “How does she know what my needs are?” Good caregivers are essentially good at listening, not saying what you need.

What can we do to deal with the additional stress that these spam comments create? Here are five approaches to consider.

1. As difficult as it may be, try to hold your composition while responding to the person. Responding quickly with a stinging comment only increases your justifiable anger (as well as the physical changes that come with it) and may very well cause a temporary rupture in your relationship with the person. Of course, a lot depends on the nature of the comment and the tone of voice in which it was made.

2. Try a simple response like “I’m not ready to do that” or “I know you mean well, but I have to make the changes I need to on my schedule.” That may be all that is required. Also, there is nothing wrong if you decide not to respond in any way. Read the situation and then take the appropriate action.

3. Reduce contact with people who don’t get the message or expect you to follow their complaint agenda. Their non-verbal communication will give them away every time. When you have to be in his presence, be courteous (it will save you a lot of energy) but separate yourself from the company as soon as possible. There is nothing wrong with walking away from a situation where you know you will have to talk to the person for an extended period of time. You are just taking care of yourself.

4. Everyone experiences grief differently, but not everyone is aware of this important concept. Therefore, you can avoid unwanted comments by telling your caregivers that we are all different in the way we adjust. Normalize your complaint for them. In short, show them what your grievance is like. However, emphasize how much you appreciate all they have done and how grateful you are for being around your pain and listening to your thoughts. In short, you are educating your support system, even though it is a difficult time for you to be the teacher.

5. Finally, carefully consider the following. Has anyone who said something to you that upset you experienced a loss very similar to her great loss? For example, was it a widow talking to another or was it someone who had little or no insight into what you were experiencing? I do not mean to imply that someone who has experienced a similar loss knows of her complaint.

No one can know the hurt experience of another because every relationship is unique. However, is it possible that what the person told you was something that could be helpful as you go on your complaint journey? I once heard a widow say, “It takes one to know one,” implying that there is often compatibility and awareness among those who have suffered similar losses. That person may (and may not) be useful to you in the long run. You just weren’t ready to hear what was said.

In short, it’s important to be kind in your response to the toxic person. Keep in mind that many potential caregivers don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving. They need direction. Often their sadness at seeing you in so much pain makes them try to do whatever they think is helpful. In the final analysis, only you can decide how much additional pain the person continues to cause by being around you. Due to the stress of the grievance, you may need to limit your conversations or choose to increase your existing load.