Real friend or user?
A good reason to keep friends is to have kindred spirits to help, be it mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual. It can be very easy to make friends, at which point they enter the outer circle of our influence. Some of these new friends move very quickly to an inner circle position; some naturally due to shared experiences and some are forced there. Those kind of people who want friendship more than you are the ones who should be careful. They are usually there to grab as much as they can before dashing off into the sunset.
Discernment when it comes to friends is vital to one’s continued happiness. There needs to be an equal give-and-take relationship for a healthy friendship, a sort of “I’m there for you and you’re there for me” type of exchange. If the exchange becomes lopsided, someone is sure to feel unhappy and feel that they have been taken advantage of. You know the type: you’re there for them through every rotten relationship they get into, including picking them up from the hospital or police station in the middle of the night and then sitting with them all night. He supports them through all kinds of deals that go wrong and even stands between them and the person trying to harm them. Then one day you experience a problem yourself and call them for help… only to be cheerfully informed that it’s midnight and they’re too tired to get out of bed and come get you. Maybe your car was stolen, leaving you stranded in a strange part of town and you hear:
“Yeah, good luck with that… *yawn*…talk to you tomorrow….*click*”
If that’s not enough of an indication that it’s time to find a new friend, then worse things are bound to happen. Maybe you help a friend move…several times a year, and yet they are never there to help you move. Maybe that person can’t really handle the physical part of the move, but if he came to help, he could direct where the boxes go, prepare a meal, or run errands. Most people who are handy at something have had such “friends” trying to insinuate themselves into their lives. They will eventually show their hand and reveal which users they really are.
The point of discernment is a fine line between ‘an eye for an eye’; It’s not like someone needs to keep score and make sure it’s perfectly balanced all the time. It is more a point of communication and affection, of being honest with each other about what each one is willing to do in a relationship, whether it is business or personal. When someone you’ve just met insists on being your best friend right away, it’s a red flag, especially if they’re visibly impressed by your occupation or talents.
Also beware of those who pay you obsequious compliments; if it feels slimy, it probably is. If the feeling you get after too much compliment is “What do you want from me?” so that’s a good indication of what it was all about in the first place. True friends are there for you, both in the good times and in the difficult ones. Those kinds of friends will be honest with you (and themselves) and sometimes very direct about it. They will also seek to help in other ways if they cannot do what you need. A physically disabled friend might offer to send a couple of relatives to help him move, or pay some day laborers for a set number of hours. An overly tired friend might call a taxi for a stranded friend and pay the taxi bill to ensure a safe return. The point is that a true friend cares enough to actually help when help is needed, not to talk about it. A true friend is like a family member that you would have chosen if you had the chance.
©2010 Dr. Valerie Olmsted All rights reserved